Greetings Earth People! Take me to your leader...

From Jim: When we contact "other" life forms and begin to forge an understanding of each other, let's hope that we get around to our political system after they've decided not to rid the universe of us as the vermin we are. We'll have some "splainin" to do, as Dezi said. The "leader" thing might just cause our alien visitors to retire for a caucus on our future anyway. If they attempt to understand our primary elections, straw polls, and caucuses in the context of selecting leadership, we're pretty much doomed to be transmogrified into a slimy goo. If we wish to leave no doubt as to the need to expunge us from the cosmos, we should give them an opportunity to chat with the media. During the last micro-second of human existence, CNN and FOX can finger point at each other. The liberals and tea partiers can request separate death beams. We will be divided-even in death! The aliens might use this as their best rationalization for offing us in some technologically spectacular way. Or they might just squash us. In any case, their supreme council/federation/ruling order/Jedi oversight group will insist that all those who came in contact with us be subjected to a series of sterilization and synapse washing sessions. There will be no mind-melding with those who have met the mindless. This might be the best outcome we can hope for. An alien exterminator truck to finally clean up the mess we've made of things. It would be quick and decisive and not prefaced with 137,342 political ads, 3562 robo-calls, and 239 tons of junk mail. Nope, it would just be an instant of vaporization. I don't even see a choice here.

The Mighty 1/1000 of a Per Cent has Roared!

From Jim: The meaningless state of Iowa has issued the meaningless results of their meaningless caucuses. By an overwhelming victory of 8, yes that's right, 8 votes the Mittster has carried the day. Let the church bells ring out. Oops, Mormons don't have bells or crosses. Anyway, Rick Santorem, ex-senator and "family values" guy extraordinaire missed it "by this much". Maxwell Smart would have been proud! Let's pause and reflect on the huge significance of the moment. OK, about 119,000 proud Iowanian Republicans rose up and 23% of that massive assemblage "double secret probation" balloted for the Mormon guy. So did 23% for Ron Paul, librarian retro-guy, and Ricky, Father Knows Best, guy. Folks, we're talkin big numbers here-like over 25 thousand, wowsers. That's like getting all of the Palermo vote, with maybe Honcutt thrown it. It boggles the mind. Michele-ma lead belle-finished, well really was finished with a showing that wouldn't have won a class student council seat in the 5th grade. Rick, Marlboro Man, Perry vows to crusade on-I mean like a real crusade to the holy lands and stuff. This happened after reflection and prayer and the voices in his head said, "Well, don't mess with Texas y'all". Romney stated, and I'm not making this up, "On to New Hampshire". I sure hope he doesn't hold that as an original thought to be a sound bite moment. It's like the NFL player that's going to give it 110%. Really? I think we should just dispense with the rest of the primary process, declare Mitt the crown prince of the Republican Party, let him lose, as the unelectable slug that he is, and move directly to four more years of mindless grid-lock. That should give the Tea Party Malamar Rangers time to train up and launch their paramilitary insurgency against the republic they despise so much. The want their never-existed "Mericah" back and if it never existed, well, it should have. About 20% of the independent voters say they'll vote Republican this time, to"send a message to Washington". Again, Really? I thought the Iowa caucuses just did that. The independent- undecided-uninformed-dissatisfied-devout-born again-free thinking voters surely will grasp the mandate cast before them by the Iowa masses. I would suggest an Occupy Iowa event, but you can't live there.

I-O-Way...Caucases? Who the hell cares?

From Jim: The Iowa Republican Party scene is only missing floppy shoes and bulbous red noses to have the whole package. The Newtster, stung by the negative ads, which are a litany of his life choices, and which he has "born again" repented from, calls the Mittster a liar, but still more acceptable that Mr. Obama. Michele can't get even the folks in Iowa to buy her bilge water and Perry is too busy forgetting his own talking points to inspire these Mid-Americans. Then there's the Paul father and son team. Libertarians, which many in Iowa misunderstood as librarians and felt people that like books would probably be OK. Well, anyway, these simple God fearing folks will gather to cast meaningless non-binding "double secret probation" ballots at their friends' homes or down at the Grange hall. Maybe at the BPOE or such. There will be speechifying to offer up support, hoping to influence the majority "undecided" voters. All told, this process involves hundreds, maybe even thousands of participants. More people went to the meaningless Rose Bowl game. (Sorry Ducks' fans) And the national press, staring into the 24 hour news cycle abyss, has done their best to make this mean something-Iowa, not the Rose Bowl, even the national press has it's limits. Soon the "winner" will sally forth, across the land to announce the mandate given by the Iowa Juggernaut. I never think of Iowa for even 1 second, except when this nonsense is going on. I really mean, "Who the hell cares"? Well, you say, this is the ramp up for New Hampshire. I reply, "Who the hell cares about that either"? The question that has plagued the Republicans this is who is electable that can appease the Tea Party wing of the party. The answer, of course, is NO ONE! The Tea Party isn't interested an election, when there's a perfectly good violent overthrow to be had. Bring on the Brown Shirts! Why have primaries when you can have a night of broken glass? I think the Reps will get Romney. He's a nice Mormon guy, who has racism well founded in his cultest belief system-gotta love them Laminites, mark of God and all that. Can't you just hear the leering voice of Limbaugh now. Using his talent "on loan from God" to try and justify Romney's candidacy. I may chip in for some floppy shoes and a rainbow Afro or two. The really sad thing is, Iowa is iconic of what's truly gone wrong with our republic. We are no longer a people with a shared common vision. We don't have a sense of Americanism or core values as a people. The inner city minority kid and the Iowa farm boy aren't pointed in the same direction. King corn is crowned by subsidies, but poor kids are welfare brats. Self reliance can't give up reliance on government hand outs. But it's farming, you say. No, it's government welfare. Without the large West and East coast state economies kicking in billions of dollars, Iowa would be worth about $2500 lock, stock, and barrel. Their valuable black gold farm land would just grow amber waves of grain, traded on the world economy by multinational corporations. Oops, that's what they're doing and getting subsidies to boot. On to New Hampshire brave lads and lassies, on to New Hampshire!